|I'm pretty sure Octomom didn't make it through Halloween sober and neither did I|
Don't get me started on my weekend. People need to know something and that's that if you have a party you need to have alcohol at it. Preferably a selection of cocktail liqueurs, some fine shakers and lots of mixers but heck, last year's Thanksgiving peach wine will do just fine at a pinch.
No I don't care if it is a 'kids' party - if you want adults to hang around crack open the Schnapps I beg you. My husband is away and I think it's safe to say I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread. Friday had me 'doing my bit for the community' by volunteering at the school and helping thirty kids make Halloween frames using a hot glue gun. After burning my fingers and getting blisters - I know why did I touch the hot glue? - I felt quite fulfilled but also, being nice to kids is really hard work and frankly I needed a drink. That evening I drank the remains of a bottle of wine but it didn't really hit the mark.
After a Saturday driving the kids around like a headless chicken I thought I could drop them off at this kids' Halloween party. So I get there and there are twenty tween girls dressed as vampires and screaming like they were at a Justin Bieber concert. Although my head was threatening to explode, the parents, earnest types who looked boring even dressed up as mad scientist and witch - looked like they wanted me to stay so I hung around for a few minutes before the migraine kicked in and I started casing the kitchen for alcohol. At first I got excited at finding bottles of spirits next to some plastic orange cocktail glasses but the mum 'humourously' informed me that those were just 'kiddy lookalike' spirits for the kiddies to mix cocktails with. I'm afraid I completely failed to see the humour of the situation and said, "Look do you have any real alcohol?" She looked at me like I'd asked her if I could molest her son. Well I'm sorry but I was at the end of my rope. "No we don't," she answered curtly so I said, "In that case if you don't mind I've got some errands to run," and walked home and and was just pouring myself a large G&T when my younger daughter phones me from the party and says she's scared so I walk back. When I get there she's calmed down but says she was freaked out by something called 'The Chop Shop' they have set up in the bathroom where if you put your hands in the sink you feel fake eyeballs and if you put your hands in the bath it's like fake intestines. I'm like, Right, don't go in the Chop Shop again I'm outta here. So I go home and drink the G&T and come back and later the mum tells me "Oh you do know your daughter was crying earlier," like I didn't know about it. I wanted to say "Well don't have intestines in your bath at a kids' party and then expect me to hang around without giving me booze." Jesus, some people!!
So anyway then I spent yesterday trick or treating for about ten hours with the kids - I was stone cold sober - I mean seriously do I get a Knighthood? Then luckily we went to a Dutch friend's house and she rolled out the booze by the bucketload. The downside was there was a highly strung Little Lord Faultleroy there who was one of those obnoxiously privately education brats who was throwing himself all over the place theatrically and kept storming off. For example, he told a really lame joke, "What's Black and White and Red all over?" And all the kids said, "A Newspaper." And my seven year old said, "That's a really dumb joke," and he huffed off and was found crying upstairs and you could hear his mum - one of those Mia Farrow types who always talks in a sickly sweet way said, "Come on now Roland they didn't mean to upset you. Maybe we should go home now. You seem a little overemotional." What Roland really needed of course was someone to say "Get over yourself you spoilt twat." But I wasn't going to be the one to do it - I was happy as Larry and half way through a bottle of Spanish red.
So how was your weekend? Mine was fine except for a bit of a hangover....
Oh sod it just blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alchohol
What do you say? I mean COME ON I would never have a party of any description without tons of booze. It's just not on.