A Bad Marriage Is Like A Dodgy Motor

My friend Alana told me the other day that I was unusual in being married ten years and still getting along with my husband. She claimed most people can't really stand each other after that period of time. And I think that feeling is fairly common and echoed by Slummy Single Mummy who said she was cynical about everlasting love. In any case I was strutting around like a peacock for a bit thinking what a success I was for being married for ten years. In fact so many people have said to me 'Emma, what's the secret to a happy marriage?' that I felt it was time to put fingers to keyboard and dish. [Actually it was really just Alana who is unmarried but still, I'm sure you're all dying to hear my pearls of wisdom].

Don't marry a spouse that is the equivalent of a rusty motor

It's really quite simple. There is no point marrying some hot piece of totty and after a few years things going flat and then embarking on a round of counselling or swingers parties and testing out all types of new fangled sex toys trying to insert the spice (or lager flavoured love cream) back into your marriage. It doesn't work and it's bloody expensive. You basically have to marry the right person to start with. If you buy a car you don't just buy a nice looking second hand motor do you? You get it checked out to see if it's rusty under the hood don't you? If you buy the right product - a good quality product - then you will have a keeper. If you buy a piece of rusty old junk you will have a car exploding on you on the middle of the motorway.

I suppose the tricky thing is knowing that you've got hold of rusty piece of junk from the beginning and not tying the knot with him/her. Usually people are cross eyed with lust at that stage and don't think these things through too well. Why things worked out for me I really don't know. I like to kid myself that I am an amazingly good judge of character but really I think our union was just plain good old fashioned luck.

Also I think sexual attraction is ingrained from early erotic experiences. Coming from the UK I fancy men with badly cut hair that straggles over the back of a collar, I get turned on by jumpers (you have to find jumpers erotic because there will never be a time save the two weeks in summer when English men will be out of jumpers), sideburns, glasses, little or no muscle definition, zero body fat and naturally crooked teeth. My husband - who by the way is Irish - has crooked teeth. It was quite funny, he went to a dentist here and they told him that for $30,000 they could break his jaw and put him in a headbrace to straighten his teeth. He told them, most politely, where to shove their head brace.

So, are you still with me? Firstly buy the right motor with the right er features on it to really get your engine revving. And then, to seal the deal of everlasting love move to a country where you are not sexually attracted to the men/women. For me that was America. Firstly American men are rarely in jumpers. They are also insanely clean, scrubbed and have large regularly spaced teeth. Lastly there isn't the opportunity to get it on with them since they simply don't try it on at every opportunity the way English men do. In fact it was quite a culture shock to go out to a club here and never run into a chap trying to impress me with a crude chat up line. In fact here the use of the words ‘nice rack’ ‘well put together’ or ‘screw’ said to any woman who is not a sales associate at IKEA can quickly lead to a sexual harassment law suit – something most American males will do anything to avoid.

So that about sums it up: marry a quality product to start with and then move to a foreign country where you do not find the opposite sex desirable. I hope my advice will prevent at least some of you from making poor marriage choices.