You can't stir butter with a toothpick ...


[...as they say in Devon] Today my Aussie pal Kathrine is doing the honours. She struts her stuff over at Mummy Diaries. Today she is talking about whether falsely advertising one's sexual goods is ever justified.


I have a friend called Katy*. She is the girl in my group of friends that we liken to Samantha in Sex & The City. I think we all have one of those. Unless of course you are a born again Christian in which case your friends are all ex-whores that pretend butter wouldn't melt in their vaginas. You know, the type that have suddenly regrown their hymens and have magically forgotten the time they accidentally ended up at a swingers party in a seedy terraced house where they got to enjoy the sight of a man and woman dry humping on a sex swing and making LOTS of noise. So much so in fact that they suspected that one of the swingers was over-acting just a tad.

Back to Katy*. She makes me laugh so hard every time we are together that I always end up with a bit of my lunch lodged somewhere in between my nose and throat. She ALWAYS manages to work her cum-face into the conversation. EVERY TIME. In fact the other day she was all like, "I don't even know what my cum-face looks like." And I was like "REALLY cause I've had to endure it in like every conversation we've ever had. Even if we are talking about the weather you manage to get that sucker in there."

So she is a single mother. A very randy one that for the past ten months has sworn off men and dating. Not the kind of 'sworn off men' that sees women exploring their feminine side and dating a woman called Tracey who is a truck driver and sports underarm hair, tattoos and a huge array of flanelette shirts, but the kind of 'sworn off men' that meant she had lost faith in men in general and had gone on a sex starvation diet. I guess in protest of the utter tool-bags she had come across in her prior dating adventures.

I had been urging her to jump back in and start dating again. Or at least start dry humping someone's leg at the very minimum.

The other day over lunch she dropped an F-Bomb. "I had sex again"



"What??!" I bellowed. "Who, what, when..was it that tool-bag from RSVP.com???"

She informed me it was a man that had been trying to get into her clandestine knickers for some time. She had rejected him over and over, until one lonely night, after the kids were in bed and she sat faced for the hundredth time with a mechanical rabbit and an old porno, she had decided enough was enough. Real sex was what she needed this time.



After a few naughty sexts to the man in question where she demanded to know details of his neither regions (insurance policy) and he confirmed his meat and two veg where definitely worth breaking her sex-fast for, she gave him to go ahead to come on over.

"The fantasy was different to reality though...and he lied..." she told us. "While I expected him to waltz into my bedroom seductively, with a rock-hard, huge, you-know-what, what I actually got was a man bounding into my room and jumping on my bed like an over-excited Labrador, panting and salivating. To make matters worse, he lied about his appendage. It was much smaller that he described. And flaccid-ish."

"Hang on a second" our friend Sally* exclaimed. If he had asked you to sext for a description of your vagina, would you have replied "Well I've had two kids, it's kinda like throwing a sausage down a wind tunnel, I have a prolapsed uterus and when I touch myself down there I can feel my cervix?? Surely you have to cut the guy some slack..what was he going to sext "Um it's medium-ish more on the small side and when the pressure's on I find it hard to get a rise??"

Despite our protests that it works both ways and that she was in fact being a little too hard on the guy, she was mainly just outraged at being duped.

So what do you think..when is it okay to lie to a sexual partner? Is it okay to embellish slightly to get someone into the sack? Is a man fibbing about his privates the same as a women getting all dolled up in a push up bra and spanks, only to reveal saggy boobs and mega-thighs once in the boudoir?

*Names have been changed to protect the big slag-bags that they are.