A Hostage to Trifle

If anyone out there is wondering if I have disappeared off the face of the earth the answer is no I am still alive but find myself in a top secret place. I cannot reveal my whereabouts for reasons that I cannot reveal. But I will say I am in a somewhat rainy location being force fed huge amounts of black pudding, fried rashers and trifle. I am now the size of a small barn. Please don't be concerned about me - I am not being mistreated - but I am worried that I will soon be so fat I will have to take two airplane seats when I am eventually released and put on a plane. I am also staying in a hotel where the only room left was a handicapped one which was fine for me since I am not handicapped (if I were I would have been royally shafted). For example in the bathroom which is on one level without a shower cubicle there are a few accesibility issues i.e. the shower gel is stapled to the wall at a level where no wheelchair bound person could access it. Secondly the shower faucet is at a level where no wheelchair bound person can access it. Suffice to say I sprayed the entire room with the dangerously out of control shower head and flooded all my towels. So apart from being limp and sodden I find myself basically of sound mind and in this location indefinitely. Meanwhile I am contactable via email unless you a gravy PR person called Trisha whose missive I received today which said:

Hi there,

I am working with gravy brand XX on a new campaign to get families eating their evening meals together again. We would really value your input into the research phase of this campaign.

We would like to invite the UK’s top parent bloggers to an all expenses paid round table discussion in London in September on the subject of modern family mealtimes.

Your feedback would then play a crucial part in helping to develop a national survey, the results of which will be used in a report to be sent to the media – and of course yourself should you wish to feature it on your blog.

Please do let us know if you would like to get involved!


Look Trish, if you want someone like moi to brainstorm about gravy granules then it'll take more than a poxy flight to ring my bell ya know? How about doing an upscale version of Supermarket Sweep for example where I race around Harvey Nichols stuffing my trolley with expensive face creams and Jimmy Choo sandals? I'm just saying, you don't get access to this superbrain for nothing. I don't do gravy roundtables for a packet of salted peanuts and a squashed economy seat. I might not be quite up there with Naomi 'Strange men often give me their gifts swaddled in bags in the middle of the night' Campbell (I bet they do Naomi!) but I still don't get out of bed for under $10K.

And so.... taking all these clues into account....gravy granules ....trifle.....rain .....handicapped toilets ...Where the devil am I?

Answers on a postcard