A Finger Lickin' Good Cult



What is it about me that attracts nutters?

So my daughter's piano teacher who is a really nice sweet woman calls me up the other day. All I know about her is she was married to a guy for twenty years and popped out four kids before her hubby died of cancer. Then it seems she very quickly met a new guy and moved into his house and she talks about him like he is a God, about how "we are so compatible, just last night we had so much fun making chicken cordon bleu together."

So anyway, she phones me up and invites me to a 'special event' at her house - just a few friends who are going to come to her house to listen to a 'talk' about a very special personal development program let's call it Lifeforce and then if I like what they are saying about how positive thinking can totally revolutionize your life then you can sign up for a ten week seminar including weekends in cabins. What fun I thought. Well no, obviously I thought oh crap she's inviting me to become part of a cult. And when I googled it later there were quite a few naysayers who claimed they'd been brainwashed and fleeced of their money and dignity by Lifeforce.

So I'm like "is this anything to do with believing in Jesus or believing in a higher power?" and she said "No!Absolutely not." And then we got down to the nitty gritty - there was going to be quite a good buffet at this 'event'. What kind of buffet I asked, and let's just say they were pushing out the boat. I was tempted, well a little bit.

Then when she saw that I still wasn't that excited she said, "Let me tell you a story about how Lifeforce changed my life. Well when I was a teenager I went to a dance and I had a crush on this really sexy charismatic guy and I was devastated when he ignored me and just danced with another girl all night. And after that I told myself no really hot guys are ever going to go out with me. It was a really negative way of looking at things and pretty soon I met my husband. He was really nice but there was no spark, no chemistry."

I said, "Well you're darned lucky he died of cancer then aren't you?"

No I didn't really say that. She went on. "And then when my husband died I joined Lifeforce and it made me realize that maybe really hot charismatic guys could be into me. I'd spent twenty years not realizing this!"

I said, "Actually you would have probably ended up dating a lot of arseholes if you'd only gone after the hot charismatic guys." No I really did say that!

She laughed and went on and told me how when she met her current husband let's call him Fabio - who incidentally is not particularly hot in my book. She says "I was so blown away by him and we had this incredible chemistry and guess what from what I had learnt from Lifeforce I realized that maybe I'd been held
back by all this negative thinking and guess what I asked him out!"

I was like, "Um, wow."  I didn't want to ask if she'd met Fabio via Lifeforce because no doubt she did and no doubt they are in this together. So now I really hope she doesn't ask me about coming to any more meetings because otherwise I'll have to say point blank, "No thanks, I don't really want to go to a weekend retreat in a windowless room where I am psychologically broken down and have to tithe a large proportion of my earnings for the rest of time."

Or do you think I can just roll into the meeting, grab a couple of chicken wings before remembering I have an urgent appointment?

I know you're all thinking Go Emma, go to the initiation and do something funny like roll around the floor and start speaking in tongues but I simply can't face it.

What about you did you, did you ever end up at a cult meeting, lured there by the promise of free chicken wings?

Listen, I'm cheap, but I'm not that cheap.