From the Mouths of Babes


It is wierd having daughters because they ape your behavior like you know, you actually know what you are doing or have a clue what you are talking about! I have two girls, Scarlett 9, Sausage 6, and while I enjoy the fact that they hero worship me and know that in a few years they'll avoid me like the plague it is still odd, like having a stalker or something. They are like an echo of me and it is freaky. I have (belatedly) realized that they actually believe what comes out of the horse's mouth (me being the horse).

Like I'll be half dead hanging over my cup of coffee and Scarlett will say "Well I just think George Bush is terrible. I mean he killed millions of people."

Me, "Who told you that?"

"Well you did. He killed them in the Iraq War."

"Oh, I didn't mean he throttled them all personally just that there were many casualties of a war he started out of greed, mainly amongst Iraqis."

"Huh?"

So the thing is they will repeat what you say but usually get the wrong end of the stick which means I'm trying (and failing) to watch my mouth.



Luckily Sausage has no interest in politics. She is really a small Paris Hilton. She is always trying to put on makeup and she wants "a cellphone next year." And she is never without a handbag containing lipgloss and eyeshadows or one of those toy poodles in a bag.

After the trip to New York where we heard the book on tape about menstruation we have had quite a lot of chats about periods. Now Sausage is 'worried' about starting her period. "Mummy does it hurt?" was asked a few times until finally I said,

"Well yes, the cramps hurt."

"What are cramps?"

"Well do you remember when you ate six Easter Eggs and your tummy hurt? Well they're a bit like that."

Then later there was a discussion about panty pads. That was prompted by an event where Sausage and Scarlett stuck panty pads on the soles of their feet, soaped up the wooden floor and scrubbed it by skating on it. And while I was very pleased they'd cleaned the floor I also pointed out that "panty pads go in your pants." Sausage wasn't that clear though - she wanted to know "You know when you stick them on your wee wee, how do you get them off. Doesn't it hurt?" I explained that panty pads were not DIY bikini waxing kits and that they go in your knickers and not directly on your 'wee wee.' I'm sure if you have had girls you've had similarly hilarious exchanges.

Sausage seems determined to be my new BFF - and seems to be willing to do anything for me - like in that dreadful program with Paris Hilton where she looks for a new British BFF. Some sycophantic guy called Sam won who cooked Paris some 'Samuel's Home Made Fairy Fag Cakes' and won her heart when he said "Well you know I'd do anything for you, even if it would mean shoplifting and ending up in jail." Bless his cotton socks. I know Sausage should definitely not be watching that program.

How I mocked Paris and yet for the first time in my life I have a tiny mini-me BFF. Sausage insists on coming to the nail salon with me and sitting in one of the massage chairs and while my nails are drying I'm like "Sausage, can you get my cell out of my bag and dial a number for me because I don't want to smudge my nails." What can I say having a personal assistant/BFF is heaven. I hear you Paris!!

Except you know what it's really hard being a role model. Like we found a ten dollar note in the bathroom of the nail salon yesterday and I was like I knew I had to pick it up but then how to explain to her that "stealing is wrong." What did I do? Well I failed. I said, "Stealing objects is wrong but if money happens to be lying about then don't hesitate to pocket it."

Don't worry she is not totally exploited. Sausage is quite demanding too. Like she told me today "I want you to prepare a picnic for today, boiled eggs, sausages and fairy cakes." So excuse me I'm off to boil an egg ...

Do you find that your kids mindlessly parrot you and do everything you do and do you feel like this is great or just .... incredibly wierd?