Are you my ying? Am I your yang?

The question of whether soul mates exist was tossed in the air here this week and rather made me giggle. But when I had sufficiently composed myself to stop gibbering like a babboon I was ready to grab my quill and put my thoughts on paper.

Do I believe soul mates exist?

The short answer is no.
Here's why.

1. Soul mates can't possibly exist because of the fact that if there is only one woman for every man who completes her/him then what in the name of God did people do before the invention of the motor car? Bearing in mind that the car not to mention the plane has only been around for about a hundred years that leaves a hell of a lot of people whose soul mates rather conveniently found themselves in the same village. If a soul mate - one man for every woman - exists, and it doesn't - then what of say an Eskimo girl called Corazon in 1922 who's never even seen a car let alone driven a motorized bobsled whose soul mate - a strapping lad called Juan - happens to be residing in a slum in Rio de Janeiro? Short of smuggling herself onto an ocean liner for six months and dying of starvation there's a fairly high probability that they will never do the horizontal tango.

2.If soul mates exist would romance novels sell in such huge numbers? Take into consideration that in 2004 romance novels generated $1.2 billion in sales and made up 55% of all paperback sales. Having only struggled through a few of these novels I am by no means an expert but I do know that the men have a propensity to rip off bodices and not tie them back together when they're done. Suffice to say if women generally were happy with their sex and love lives would they be buying ludicrously unrealistic stuff featuring men with throbbing manhoods and rippling muscles who spout lines such as these (answer, no):

"Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

"The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs rippling in the dappled light."

"Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

"Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

"Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

"Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

"I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

"I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

"The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

3. I find people who claim that the person they are with is their once in a lifetime love annoying. You will always get someone (usually female) saying "Oh God if I hadn't broken my leg in three places that day skiing in the Swiss Alps and that surgeon Franz hadn't operated on me we would never have met! Imagine our eyes would not have met above his surgical mask and we would never have gotten married." To which I always think, well, so what you would have met someone else and been just has happy. Same goes for kids. Maybe I am in the minority here but if I'd married a Chinese/black/hispanic/German I would still have thought my kids were the cutest things in the world and would have loved them the same as I love my kids now. Am I simply cavewoman in her purest form I wonder who's uterus can sniff out a fertile male at fifty paces and chooses men simply on the basis that they have strong swimming sperm, the ability to club a mammoth to death and their own teeth? I sometimes wonder.

4. Any of you who say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' are going to be less than three years married. Fact. Anyone who can say 'Oh I am still in love with my husband/wife the way we were when we met' after ten years then wow! You are officially the one in a million who has found his/her soul mate. Pat yourself on the back and claim your prize, an all expenses trip to La La Land! Disclaimer: you cannot claim this prize if you are on antipsychotics as this interferes with perception.

5. Falling in love is something that is temporary. Falling in love has symptoms similar to the giddy high from an amphetemine boost. No one's saying it isn't a great state to be in. But at some point the high ends, you climb out of bed and you're left with, well - a very nice ordinary person who you may have married by then. A lot of people divorce when the high wears off and unrealistic romantic expectations are no longer fulfilled.

Or have I got it all wrong? Have you found your soul mate? Is your name Corazon and did you marry Juan in 1922? Go on I dare you, prove me wrong!