Making Money Hand Over Cyst

Hmm, let me just take a good look at these lumps

I am a notorious skinflint. I will buy a two for one offer even if I don't need the item on sale. And although I try and avoid doctors I recently found myself at a dermatologists because my daughter was covered in a measle like rash and no one seemed to want to invite her to play at their house any more. After an hour or so waiting in his consultation room while my kids trashed the room, blew up some gloves and made the chair zoom up and down, Dr Clown decided to honor us with his presence. He looked at my daughter's lumps and told me cheerfully, "Not much we can do. It is called molluscum and will clear up in about five years time. In the meantime, don't worry about it."

Eventually I strong armed him into giving me some medicine for the molluscum and then I thought, while I'm here why don't I get a two for one and get him to look at this huge cyst I have on my head.

I said, "Hey Dr Clown, see this lump? Can I get it removed?"

He looked at my scalp and said, "Oh yes, it is a benign pilar cyst and I can cut it right off. Just arrange a date for surgery with the nurse."

So first of all I tried the medicine on my daughter for a month and the molluscum didn't clear up so I got something off the internet which did clear it up. So he was totally useless once. But he was to be useless many times more.

Secondly I arrived for surgery on the date the nurse had booked to be told by Dr Clown that he couldn't do surgery today because he had to do a consultation first. I said, "But you told me it was a benign pilar cyst and that I needed to come in today for surgery."

He laughed and said, "Well let me look at this. It is I believe a benign pilar cyst and we need to schedule surgery."

So good for him, like a lawyer he was all about billable hours. So while I thought I had gotten a two for one he had actually charged me for a 'consultation' I didn't need. Wait it gets better. Then he actually schedules the surgery and cuts the benign pilar cyst off. A day later Dr Clown called me up and asked me how I was feeling and if I needed anything I should call him. I'm still not sure whether that was a come on or whether I will be billed for that call. A few days later I get a letter from Dr Clown saying,"I am sure you will be relieved to find out that after doing a biopsy your tumor was benign." Kerching. Charge for biopsy. Now I know and Dr Clown knows that the cyst had about as much chance of being malignant as if they'd biopsied a chocolate button. But let that never stand in the way of billing patients. And okay it will be covered by insurance but it is still unbelievable.

I avoid doctors like the plague mainly because they will give you any pointless procedure they can think of and then prescribe anything they can get away with. No one should be surprised that Pfizer was just fined
$2.3bn for mispromoting medicines and paying kickbacks to compliant doctors. At least I wasn't.

So far I am doing quite well in avoiding all contact with doctors. The only doctor I have to see is the yearly gyno visit where a man sticks cold metal up my vagina. Apart from that I don't have to visit any doc because I don't take any pills and don't use contraception since my husband had a vasectomy (well what would be the point?)

Have you ever thought about the so called choices doctors offer you and how totally idiotic they really are? Most if not all drugs are effective insofar as they do one thing and then give you a bunch of side effects potentially more hazardous than the original condition.

Take the so called contraceptive choices we have today. They seem to me like something thought up in a Sex Ed Class for seven year olds. Picture the scene if you will.

Teacher: "Now last week we drew a picture of the womb and Johnny correctly put the cervix in the right place. This week we're going to think of ideas for contraception. Now can anyone think of a way we can make a lady not have a baby?"

Johnny:"Me please miss."

Teacher:"Yes Johnny."

Johnny: "Well what about if we gave the lady synthetic hormones so she wouldn't produce any eggs?"

Teacher: "Oh Johnny that's a lovely idea but that would make women lose all their sex drive, feel nauseous, get blood clots, totally mess up their bodies and cause breast cancer not to mention that it isn't terribly effective."

Sally:"But what about if we put something inside the womb like maybe a T shaped bit of plastic! Then the sperm wouldn't imbed because the body would be too busy fighting this plastic thing as if it were an infection."

Teacher:"That's a pretty good idea Sally. A for effort. But that would cause incredibly heavy aned debilitating periods not to mention a higher rate of ectopic pregnancy which means Sally my dear that the fertilized embryo gets imbedded in the fallopian tube causing you to die."

Penny:"Miss! Miss! What about a condom, like a plastic sheath with the inside smeared with nonoxynol-9?"

Teacher:"A condom would be an excellent choice as it totally kills passion and also, Penny, I have to say the taste of nonoxynol-9 is somewhat off putting.

Good work class. But I think we really need to put our thinking caps on for next week!"

So, what's the point of Pfizer? That they've given a few wrinkly old men erections who probably should have given their penises retirement? After my brush with Dr Clown I'm giving drugs and docs a wide berth. And what about you? Does your doc bill you for as many pointless prodedures and drugs as he possibly can or is this simply a symptom of the US medical system?