Fagged Out

Hello, my mother is staying with me and I am now Fagged Out.

Does anyone else have a mother who:

1. Starts talking at 6am in the morning and keeps going until ten at night in a piercing Austrian accent?

2. Gives me a blow by blow detailed description of all the boyfriends I have ever had and what was wrong with each one. For example "I am glad you are not dating that Russian guy anymore I am sure he was part of the Russian mafia." "He was as skinny as a reed, did yoga and was about as violent as a pansy." "Oh no, I can tell you those Russians they are all the same. Violent."

3. Tells you you really need to lose a few pounds

4. Gives a detailed description of every friend you ever had in childhood over and over again. "Do you remember that little black boy Mohammed who was your boyfriend when you were five? You always joked that if you had kids they'd come out like dalmations, all spotted black and white." "Yes mum I do remember him you've only talked about him about a hundred times."

5. Gives you a book called 101 Ways To Drive Your Man Wild In Bed with certain bits underlined such as something about mushing up a banana and putting it up your vagina before intercourse? "I just underlined some of the things that might work for you and John." "Oh thanks so much mum."

6. Tries to get some grease stains out of some chair cushions with nail varnish remover ruining the cushions in the process?

7. Reduces you to a mental wreck after three days.

8. Tells you your father was a chronic masturbator.

9. Goes through your sex toys.

10. Is a good cook but uses all your pots and pans and leaves the kitchen in a bloody mess so that ants are already crawling all over it?

Or is that just me?