Lesbian Sex Coffee Analogy

The closest I come to taking drugs these days is taking Tylenol PM. The problem is I tend to wake up at 4am and take it then, which is what I did today so now I am groggy and nicely stoned. And it says on the bottle it is non-addictive. So take that! And its legal. It did say I shouldn't operate heavy machinery but I did operate my car (badly) and I must say I am not firing on all pistons.

Firstly I have started a blog for people to send me their real life bad sex confessions which will be included in a book. Go on, do it now! If you're too lazy to write something just send me a link to a funny/bad sex piece on your blog. Go on! You know you want to. Donn Coppens just sent me an amazing piece of drunken sex which he has posted on his blog today. Go on and read it. You'll love it.

By the way: to the men, your funny sexual confessions should be true. I don't need stories about how you were too large for your lady or how you pleasured her so much she had to scream for you to stop. I may be stoned on Tylenol PM but I know a real story from a fake one and here honesty really is the best policy.

So, the other day I was thinking of stuff I want to try in my forties. I thought maybe I'd give lesbianism a whirl. The reason I thought that was that in all these magazine articles like this one it says that these days many women over forty who were apparently straight come the big four oh suddenly become lesbians. I don't really know why. There were some theories bandied about about hormones going haywire or how women don't care so much about gender they tend to fall in love with a person. Or that the kids have buggered off so now they can kick out their husband and become rug munchers.

I just feel that by not having done the lesbian thing I have failed. People are always saying I am crazy, eccentric and a free spirit. But what kind of a free spirit has not had sex with a woman? I suppose I have not done it because I've never really been all that attracted to women. Also, and this is the rub. It seems like sex with a woman would be a heck of a lot of hard work and I am pretty lazy. With men it is really very straight forward and quick. With women it would be up a bit down a bit harder no I mean softer clockwise no anticlockwise there no THERE up a bit can you slow down faster that's too fast deeper not that deep that's it yes you've lost it now etc. etc. I'm not sure I'd really ever have the patience. It's like men are instant coffee granules and with women you need to roast the coffee beans, grind the coffee beans, make the coffee, heat the milk, then serve on a tray with a flaming doily.

Lesbianism: it's too much like hard work. Discuss.

I guess I'll take up abseiling or watercolor painting in my forties instead.

Another thing ... have you ever had sex so bad it was funny? If so I want your funniest and most insane dating experiences. Go here for more details.