A bouquet of fish and roquefort

I just need to give everyone an update on my friend Lisa, age forty, divorced, two kids, rock hard ass. Her life is like one of those Spanish soap operas. She is dating a 53 year old hispanic guy from El Salvador who looks like a cross between Tom Selleck and a member of a Mariachi band (so she says I've never seen him). Because she has a need for regular sex she put up with his insane possessiveness and need to call her ten times a day. I had asked her if the relationship was functional. She said, "Yes, he can get it up without Viagra." She was very proud of his functionality.

Well, it turns out he was too functional. Some woman kept phoning Lisa up and saying in broken Spanish, "I am Pedro's girlfriend. He can go all night. He know how to please a woman. He is only with you for your money. I know you are wealthy woman." Lisa thought this lunatic was Pedro's ex wife. Firstly, Lisa doesn't have any money so she found that very funny. I suppose she also wondered if Pedro would have the energy to steer his 'boat' into two 'harbors' so to speak. Well it turned out the psycho caller was in fact Pedro's bit on the side who recently stormed around to Lisa's house and demanded that she stop seeing Pedro. Pedro was in the house at the time and Lisa slammed the door in the woman's face, went upstairs and started punching Pedro who wailed,

"What was I to do? She would come round at lunch time and bring me food. She was an easy picking."

Lisa punched his lights out and showed him the door.

That seems to be the end of Pedro for now.

stinky fish



= Spanish fly

Lisa's sister who is a few years younger and apparently stunning does not seem to have any better luck with men. She has a Spanish boyfriend who has poor personal hygiene and whose penis smells of "roquefort and fish and sometimes pee." Is this what they call Spanish fly?

A note to anyone with a foreskin out there: Can you please wash under it.

Once again I am pleased I am not single.