The case of the stinging nipples

"I really have a thing for Poles," said Rachel [not her real name] after one too many chocolate martinis at yesterday's girls night out.

"Well maybe I'm stating the obvious here," I said, "but have you ever considered relocating to Poland?"

"Not that kind of pole," Rachel replied, a voluptuous vertically challenged Jewish teacher with a dark mop of curls. "I mean I really want to have a stripper pole fitted in the basement so I can pole dance for my husband."

I tried to imagine Rachel in a diamond encrusted thong upside down on a pole - and failed. "So what's the problem?"

"Well, I don't know how I'm going to explain it to the children. Daniel says we're to pretend its a fireman's pole that we bought just for them, so they can pretend to be firemen. And I thought I'd tell them the pole was a trellis and to have plastic plants running up it by day which I would remove at night." I nodded, sure that there had to be a more convincing excuse out there.

Not being very athletic, this would be Emma pole dancing

On top of her pole dilemma Rachel is also burdened with another huge problem. Her bed slides around so much while she has sex that sometimes she says she does not know which room she has ended up in, and while I fear that is an exagerration she says it is a tad annoying to suddenly find oneself crashing into a wall. They have tried putting various materials on the legs (of the bed) to stop it skidding on the hardwood floors, but nothing is doing the trick. I suggested velcroing the legs to the floor to which Rachel replied, "It might be easier if I just velcroed Daniel to the wall." Again, I know there is an answer out there for this problem, but what is it?

Another sexy MILF, blonde goddess Amy, threw out a question at the group. "Does anyone else have problems when trying to pull pasties off their nipples?"

I nodded in what I hoped was a sophisticated manner while inside I was thinking, why would anyone want to put Cornish Pasties on their tits? Horses for courses, I told myself. Live and let live.

Amy went on. "You know, like that your nipples really sting and throb once you pull them off?"

There were murmurs around the table of, yeah, I know what you mean. Eventually I realized that the pasties Amy was talking about were those tassley things for doing a stripper dance rather than hot pockets of warm meat.

Now, I enjoy solving people's problems, but I must say I was well and truly stumped. Does anyone out there know:

1. What excuse to give to the kids regarding the stripper pole in the basement?
2. How to stop a skidding bed crashing into the wall?
3. How to stop nipple burn once you rip off your pasties? If you wish to create some non stinging pasties go right ahead but I will require a 10% cut since I gave you the idea.

Some of you may think I am quite the kinkster but I went home feeling very square indeed.