Adopt a Mistress This Christmas

Jeffrey Archer - who wears big white pants, apparently

This Christmas I want you to reach deep into your pockets for a valuable cause. Have you ever looked at a tabloid newspaper and seen a woman who has been having an affair with a famous married man and thought, that poor abused girl, she desperately needs my help. How could this man use her like that? And how can the set of Louis Vuitton suitcases or the luxury lifestyle he financed ever make up for having to play second fiddle to his dowdy wife?

I know I have, which is why I've launched this campaign to Adopt a Mistress This Christmas. Some mistresses have been cast aside once they are no longer of use. Some, through no fault of their own, went public about an affair and found themselves dumped. But I especially want you to think about those poor mistresses who, after twenty years of being mistresses finally realized that 'he is never going to leave his wife' and joined a chapter of Mistresses Anonymous to get over it.

You may say, but I was going to adopt an orphaned donkey or an incontinent dog this Christmas. But before you do it, have a heart and adopt a mistress. Times, they are a changing. In the old days, mistresses like Madame de Pompadour, mistress to King Louis XV of France, knew to put up and shut up. Then along came Monica Lewinsky and the stained dress and every talentless nobody was trying to get into bed with a rich man and live the luxury lifestyle.

One of the women I have personally helped is reformed mistress Sarah Symonds, whose most recent shag before she 'saw the light' and 'got out of the game' was Gordon Ramsay. Yes she wrote a book (Having An Affair? A Handbook for the Other Woman) and plugged it on the celebrity circuit. Yes she once slept with Jeffrey Archer of which she writes in vivid detail about his "big white pants" and "pasty skin" and the fact that he liked to have sex – with Symonds – while his wife Mary's "fuddy duddy" nightgown lay neatly folded on the pillow next to them.

But one day she realized that all the nice flats in the world and all the designer thongs and jaunts to St Barts were not going to compensate her for the terrible emptiness she felt inside. Except that actually she quite liked the money side of it thank you very much you could just keep the married bloke.

Her first step towards 'becoming whole again' was to launch a 'Renewal Service' on her blog where she gives a rallying cry to mistresses everywhere:

"Okay Sisters, I can see that the time has universally come to reclaim ourselves from the pain of dating an Married Men!!

I have had so many of you write to me to ask me about my renewal coaching services in these past few weeks, and I really want to get it going properly now, and give you the level of support you need. I am replying to all of your enquiries individually, based on where you are in your situation right now, and more importantly, where you would like to be."

And while Sarah is doing what she can we still need cash. Cold hard dirty cash. Which is why I'm turning to you, dear readers, to send money to the Adopt a Mistress Appeal.

These are women who, for one reason or another were professional mistresses, still have huge apartments to pay rent on and don't want their Brazilian waxes to grow out. They're fucked if they're going to get a job. And as you can imagine, at Christmas times are particularly hard.

They are trying to rehab themselves, but God help them, they still need those little crutches to get them through Christmas.

So give what you can to these Mistresses in dire need.

What will $1000 get the mistress?

1. A chilled box of Beluga Caviar

2. A bottle of Cristal

What will $5,000 get the mistress?:

3. High end hair and grooming products for two months

4. A year's worth of personal training sessions to keep her abs firm and her pelvic floor muscles working at operative capacity

What will $8,000 get the mistress?

5. Will cover the rent on the mistress's penthouse apartment for a month

There are hundreds of ways you can help a mistress this Christmas. So dig deep, dig very deep. And feel a warm glow in your pants this Christmas.