Nuts in May


I was just chuckling at Misssy Martin's amusing post about the amount of nutters she attracts, when I started to go down memory lane, thinking of some of the long buried top nuts in my past. And now, like a squirrel, I will unbury a couple for your delectation.

Yes indeed, when I was single I used to attract nutters at every turn. There was the quite attractive man called Felix who tried to seduce my mother and myself (at the same time). Go here if you want to read about that because it is quite something.

But it occurred to me that there was another quite poor seduction attempt in the form of Pete, a rock musician (goes without saying that he lived off rich women and didn't have a recording contract). Now for a long time I didn't meet Pete, just heard about him. Pete was a legend in his own lunchbox. He was friends with my friend Mark and Mark would always tell me about how Pete was a really great guy but that, once pissed, he had a propensity to get his knob out in public. Why, I don't know. He seemed to find it a source of amusement. He would get his cock out in clubs. He got it out in off licences. So anyway, Mark had this nude photo of me on his wall (black and white, artistic, my bum and a washing machine, if you want a copy send me a postal order for four pounds fifty). Turns out Pete saw the picture of my arse on his wall and told Mark, "She has a nice arse. Do you think she'd fancy coming round to my place for dinner?" Mark told me, I told Mark, well, yeah, maybe, (Why? Mark claimed Pete was good at oral sex and also Pete was pretty good looking and I craved some meaningless sex the way you sometimes crave a Chinese), but that Pete would have to phone me first and ask. Well, Pete never did phone me and a few weeks later I ran into him at a club and he said, "Why did you never phone me?" And I said, "Let's get this straight, you wanted to invite me round to your house for dinner but couldn't be bothered to phone me?" To which he replied, "I thought you were going to phone me. Why didn't you?" I said, "Well, apart from the fact that every off licence proprietor in North London has seen your bell end, I'm not that desperate," and huffed off. He looked quite hurt. What a wierdo.

Another nutter who really was a grade A nut was this young guy who, while I was walking about on Hampstead Heath asked me for a light. I gave him one (a light) and we got chatting and the guy said he really liked girls to hug him and would I hug him? I said no. Turns out he was a jew who couldn't have sex before marriage and would make out with girls until he came inside his jeans. I literally could not believe it. Going home with a pair of trousers full of cold jizz. Yuck. In the end I did give him a quick hug because I felt so sorry for him. What a prize nut.

Any memories of predatory super nutters you want to share?