Hello 911? This is a Christian Emergency!


Usually I just think of Christians as something a tad irritating, like a fly scurrying across my forehead and causing me to itch. If they ask me - usually while I am sweating on the Stairmaster - if I have Jesus in my life, I can just brush them away with some comment like, "If God exists then why are most gay men gorgeous and most straight men ugly?" and the Jesus flies will just look shocked, flap their wings and fly away.


But after perusing a site called Christian Nymphos which dispenses advice to couples on how they can spice up their love life without breaking God’s laws, I began to wonder about those poor lost souls who have never stumbled across this useful site where an agony aunt, after having a chin wag with God, has given a free pass to Christians who want to fantasize about Dick Cheney, wear cheerleaders outfits during sex or even to masturbate!

But imagine if you were a Christian who'd never found this site and who was tossing and turning all night, fighting your perverse desires while flicking through the bible trying to find Godly verses to justify their attraction to all manner of things - like their own genitals?

Taking this thought one step further, I don't think it's inconceivable that the emergency services might have been recipients of calls such as this:

Operator: Hello, 911. What service do you require?

Irate Christian: Well, I wish to report a crime ... so police, I suppose.

O: What's happened?

IC: Well, I just came home to find my room mate watching a porno called Sex, Lies and Trousersnakes ...

O: Wow! I so wanna see that movie.

IC: And, er, anyway, well, he was attacking ...

O: A woman?

IC: No, he was, well, I can only describe it as an assault on his penis. He had his penis liberally smothered in Crisco and was rubbing it in a fashion that made him ejaculate, which, as you know, is a violation of one of the bible's premier tenets, 'thou shalt not spill thy seed.'

O: I don't understand, you're saying your room mate was jerking off?

IC: Yes, well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but yes. (Getting irate) Look, I need reinforcements over here ... I mean, as you know, masturbation is a crime. I want this guy arrested for violating a sacred sacrament.

O: Okay, okay, I'll need your address.

IC: 609 Rampart Street. Get the cops over here soon, I think he's started up again. So you're actually going to arrest this sinner?

O: No, I just haven't seen that movie yet and have heard it's hot! Tell your friend to hang on ... cos I'm coming over!

Irate Christian hangs up in disgust.