Twelve Nipple Special

How times change. Going to the Maryland State Fair the other day I realized I had matured. Unlike when I was a fresh faced youth and I would have spun on every ride until I was covered in vomit, I only went on two rides. The first was a Spinning Apple you sat inside that smelt of feet which made my stomach churn. In fact I had to tell the kids to stop spinning it. So in fact I only went on a Static Apple. The second ride I went on was the dodgem cars and my five year old drove because I couldn’t handle the pace.




Regarding culinary matters, I think I showed a huge amount of resolve. I did not eat the deep fried Oreos or the deep fried Twinkies. In fact, I think I showed remarkable restraint by only having the fried dough (aka funnel cake) – at under 4,000 calories the healthiest option.




Next I got my eyes a-streaming (allergies) in the petting area. When I was a kid I was always intrigued by those notices (see above) at swimming pools which had a list of rules such as:
1. no smoking
2. no bombing
3. no gymnastics
4. no petting

For years I wondered what petting was. I guess it was an outdated term even in the seventies. In any case, at this fair, the petting area was not full of teens trying to put their tongues down each others throats and was instead full of pigs, cows, chicks and llamas who’s experience of petting each other had probably been limited to a turkey baster and a spot of artificial insemination.


"That llama looks just like mum in the morning before she's had her coffee."


And now, for the twelve nipples. Like them? It was a good feeling knowing that however saggy my tits get, they will always look better than this.

What is your experience of fairs? Have you ever vomited on a ride or been stuck up top for hours on the big wheel?