I got crabs


Don't get me wrong, I really like animals. As long as they're running around in TV commercials and not in my house. It's a bit like children. You really get a false impression of the reality of kids from the movies. Like, I was hooked into wanting kids when I saw Diane Keaton in Baby Boom create a million dollar baby food company while her toddler happily played on the floor beside her without putting its fingers into a wall socket or pulling every single item out of her desk like a real life toddler. The reality was somewhat different. Ho hum, you live and learn.

But ...my seven year old Scarlett has been whining for a pet so I have been thinking of the alternatives. Luckily I am allergic to cats and dogs, since the idea of picking up doggy doo doo on the street has never really appealed (how does Paris Hilton do it without ruining her manicure?) Does she employ a special person to pick up her chihuahua's poop (A Shit Scraper) or do the dogs wear designer diapers? I think we deserve to be told.


Did you happen to see the most beautiful Shitpoo in the world?

But since Scarlett has been whinging and whining I have been giving careful consideration to the possibilities. The other day I met a man on the street who was carrying the most adorable Poodle Shih-tzu cross and I was tempted to get one for a minute. Because of the poodle in the mix it is suitable for people with allergies. But this still would not solve the problem of picking up the poop and I can't afford to employ a Shit Scraper like Paris. Also, what do they call them, Shitpoos? That's quite a bad name.

So then it seemed like we were getting somewhere when we were at the playground and Scarlett met a friend called Dana there who was carrying a portable plastic container containing a hermit crab. They took the hermit crab for a walk and Scarlett seemed very taken with it. Until she picked it up and it pinched her and locked onto her skin for twenty seconds and she screamed bloody murder.


I thought that might have put her off but she still wants a hermit crab. They are only four dollars each and Dana said she had got through five in the last few months so even if they die it is no biggie. But even with hermit crabs you would be surprised at the paraphernalia involved. Dana said she had bought a special hermit crab shower and that she had built a crabarium which featured a special crab swimming pool and diving board where, apparently, the last hermit crab, called Diver, had crashed to his death in an unfortunate diving accident.

Dana also said that one of the other (now deceased) hermit crabs once escaped from the crabarium and ran over her face at night. Which kind of gave me the creeps.

I can't believe that even the most innocuous pet has a downside. So what pet do I give her? I am scratching my head wondering, what is the least maintenance pet in the whole world?