Telling the truth about sex


You know that woman who said you were the best lover she ever had...well... she was probably lying. I have a friend called Jessica who tells every lover she wants to keep as a boyfriend that he is the best she's ever had even if they are only so-so. She says it makes them feel secure. Right.

And yeah, it's true, all the boyfriends I've had have asked me, "Am I the best ever?" but I usually avoid the subject. Because while most of them are good at one aspect of the sexual smorgasbord, rarely is one man good at everything, or at least, not without recourse to several months of training by me in my sexual boot camp training program which I call 'the Kaufmann Academy.' After men have completed this two month program they would be able to satisfy the most frigid bad tempered woman on the planet (apart from me). Or, more the point, the reason I don't answer the question about are you the best is that truly, who really remembers the details of the ins and outs of a lover of more than a year ago?

Frankly I think Jessica's attitude is stupid. But what about the other approach, taking the guy by the balls and squeezing until he cries? That's the approach of another friend called Paula who has a tough love attitude to men. While lounging in bed with a post-coital cigarette after their first go round, she gives every lover a graphic and explicit run down of exactly what was wrong with their performance.

"Please don't twiddle a woman's nipples like you're tuning the radio again, okay?" she'll say, blowing smoke rings. "And don't ever touch a clit without lube. Oh and don't let the door slam you in the face on you on the way out."

The truth is that what makes someone good in bed is impossible to quantify. There is a mixture of chemistry, the ability to be relaxed about sex and laugh when things don't go to plan and the ability to sense when the lady (or gent) want to be touched roughly or softly, the ability to ... well, you fill in the blanks.

Personally I would never tell a particularly awful one night stand that he was appalling. I'd just do the sensible thing and get an unlisted number. It's fairer that way, and prevents a guy from crying himself to sleep for weeks.

What's your policy? If you sleep with someone who bangs you like a cheap gong do you give a blow by blow criticism of everything he/she did wrong or do you say it was wonderful or do you just leave in the middle of the night and hope s/he doesn't know where you live?