Stinky Old Man


Gyms, I know they're nonsense and a huge waste of cash. I know one could easily, if one had the self-discipline, get up at five and go for a brisk run etcetera etcetera, but I am not such a person. In fact, in the last five months I have actually put on weight while working out at the gym, which means that, duh, I've been eating too much. I read some nonsense in a women's mag just now that said, "Spend as much time exercising as you do eating." That would mean I'd spend half an hour per day exercising which doesn't really cut the mustard - or the flab, if you're very swiftly imbibing 3,000 calories, mostly made up of lard, like I do.

So off to the gym I go. First I do the aerobics class or step class. Sometimes I fall off the step if I have a hangover. Then I do the exercise bike. I have recently become addicted to some new fangled virtual reality bikes they have where you are meant to feel like you are cycling in a verdant orchard rather than stuck between two fat, sweaty men who smell of Old Spice. My problem with gyms is that a lot of the people there stink.

The bane of my life is this old geezer who gets on the bike beside me the second I get on. He is a skinny little octogenarian and God bless him for keeping fit, but in seconds he is red faced and drenched. And his sweat really stinks. But worse than that, he sounds like the worst heavy breather telephone pervert you've ever heard. It's like PANT WHEEZE PANT until I'm feeling like this geezer is coming on to me. I know he's not but I just know this panting is what he does while he has sex.

So what I did of course, was to try and block out the panting. And yes, this was one of those times I despised myself for being tight. There is a hole in the virtual reality screen where you can plug in your headphones and listen to music. Of course, I'm too cheap to buy single pronged earphones, so I use the two-pronged ones you get free on airlines and I could only stuff one prong in. So I am blissfully listening to music in one earphone to try to shut out the sound of the heavy breather. And then I root in my handbag and find an orange foam earplug to shove in my other ear. And then there is just music and a faint pant pant and all I have to do is hold my breath so I don't smell his sweat and I'm enjoying myself. Really I am.

So what about you? Can you stand the physical proximity of fleshy sweaty people at gyms, and what's the creepiest thing that's happened to you at the gym recently?


Also, don't sob but I don't think I will be buzzing around the blogosphere too much at the moment, because the kids are on holiday and I have to supervise them. But if you miss me, you can find me (alongside 105 other bloggers) in the blog compilation You're Not the Only One that dear Peachy put together. Proceeds go to the Warchild charity. More details here.