Half Arsed Addicts

Question of the day:

How many partners makes you a sex addict?

A. 40
B. 400
C. 345
D. 632

Did you get it right?

Yes, it's forty. Forty measly men makes a sex addict!

I just read a review of self styled sex addict Kerry Cohen's book Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity. Kerry apparently can barely remember all of the 40-odd men she's slept with (her list includes "that guy with the dog" and "the one who kept talking during sex as though we were just hanging out")

At first I checked my calendar. It wasn't April 1st. This wasn't some ridiculous practical joke.

Forty men.


I'm sorry, but forty doesn't make you an addict. You just felt desperate, slept with a handful of people to shore up your fragile self-esteem, they didn't like you the next day, you felt like shit. Ergo you're an addict? I don't think so.

I'm getting a little tired of half-arsed addicts.

What if I said to you, I confess....I am addicted to chewing my cuticles.
I'm a Cuticle Chewing Addict.
I have chewed through six pounds of cuticles over the years.
Can I be helped?
Can I break free from this powerful addiction?
Would you have any sympathy for me?
Thought not.

Other made up 'addictions' include:

Those who are caught in flagrante with someone other than their partner. Their excuse: "I was asleep."

Yes, if you ever need a convenient excuse to get yourself out of a hole, say you have the medical disorder known as Sleepus Bonkimus, otherwise known as: sleep sex.

Also, no, please don't laugh, there are actually people who blame being fat on a disorder they call: Stuffing my face all night and then pretending I didn't, otherwise known as: sleep
. For your information, sleep eating is a sleep-related disorder, although some specialists consider it to be a combination of a sleep and an eating disorder. It is a relatively rare and little known condition that is gaining recognition in sleep medicine. Other names for sleep eating are sleep-related eating (disorder), nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder (NS-RED), and sleep-eating syndrome.Sleep eating is characterized by sleepwalking and excessive nocturnal overeating (compulsive hyperphagia).

If there are any doctors or addiction specialists out there, can you explain why sleep eaters only eat cakes and don't, say, raid the salad drawer?

No, I'm getting pretty tired of everyone wanting to be in the addicts club. Of claiming to have an addiction, however ludicrous. And if you can't have an addiction, have an allergy. And if you can't have an allergy, have a sensitivity.

Do share your heart-wrenching, traumatic addictions on this blog. Becaue I care, I really do.