Excuse me, but I think these panties are off

Fan mail. I do so enjoy it. But for all you gentlemen out there, I know that maybe I come across as some sort of lewd tart, but I really am a sensitive soul and would appreciate some tender missives of romance comparing my eyes to limpid pools of Nutella etc. But I suppose I must take what I can get. And what I got today was this:

Dear Emma,

Not sure if you remember me, but you posted to my blog Everyone has a Badside way back when. In case you haven't been by the blog in a bit, for the last month I've been posting about a little adventure I've been going through. Basically, I've been abstaining from full ejaculations for the purpose of kicking my admittedly high libido into the stratosphere. The journey is set to end soon and I've devised a wonderful way to bring it to a close. I'm asking some of the lovely ladies (this definitely includes you) who I know from blogging to join me in my orgasm, semi virtually. I'd love it if you would send me a pair of your used panties to pleasure myself with during the big cumming. I do realize that this is completely out of the blue, but I'm hoping that the idea of a mysterious man getting off to your scent and taste would turn you on. Obviously, you can remain completely anonymous in all this if you choose. Which ever way you decide, I invite you to read about the results in the days to cum.


So I replied:

Dear Fred,

Re the question of sending you my soiled knickers, my first thought was, this would leave me out of pocket since I would have to buy the knickers and pay postage.

I will post this on my blog and see what my readers think.


What I am now thinking is, what's the story? Apart from the cost, this isn't exactly a fair proposition, now is it? I mean, what do I get out of it? The thrill of thinking what Fred would do with the panties? Not my cup of tea I'm afraid. I prefer not to think of their ultimate destination.

No, this definately calls for a swap. But what is a fair swap? I suppose I can see Noel Edmonds on Swap Shop saying something like, "We have Emma, offering a pair of soiled knickers. In exchange she wants a male pair of skid marked undies."

Except that I wouldn't want that, now would I? It is strange how the male and female minds are so very differently wired, isn't it?

It seems that in this game it might all be about getting the freshest knickers to the right punters. In Japan they have soiled panty vending machines, but I think it's a bit of con, because unless they are each marked with a freshness date, how can you really guarantee that they are freshly soiled and reeking? You can see how angry Japs might kick these machines if the pants aren't smelly enough.

Anyone out there who wants to get in touch with Fred and send them your panties (females only I'm afraid), please do be my guest. Let him know what you think would be a fair swap.

As for me, I'm wondering if there isn't a niche market here for selling soiled briefs to teabag makers? The tea could be called Pudenda Brew and have the jingle:

This delectable brew is better than whisky
One sip from the cup and you'll want to get frisky

What do you think?